I’ve gotten so use to just going along with things that I sometimes forget to remember what’s actually happening around me. I guess moving in with an aunt and uncle suddenly, going off to college a few months later, jumping between roommates, and then heading right back home will do that to you. Right now, I’m spending the holidays with my SO’s family, and so I’m completely oblivious to their traditions and everyday life. As it turns out, it’s pretty good naturedly hectic here (take the impromptu dog photo-op I did today, photo above). Because of this, the entire experience has just been going-with-it.
In a way, my ability to just let things happen and trust it’ll all work out is encouraging. I didn’t use to be able to do that. In general, I like structure. I want to know the plan, and I want people to tell me if the plan changes. But I guess it’s good that I’ve gotten better at submerging into an atmosphere I’m not used to and can’t predict, even though I’ve developed this skill because of some less than nice circumstances. Maybe it’ll serve me well when I go to Japan. I have a feeling that when I get to Kyoto, I will have absolutely no idea what is happening around me, at least for the first few weeks. I’ll probably need to be able to just trust that things will work out.
That’s another thing I’ve realized lately. I’m much more open to things just working out in the end. Traveling especially has become this way for me. Even if it takes a while, I tend to calm myself during tense travel situations by reminding myself that I will eventually get where I need to be. The fact that I’ve always been lucky when it comes to layovers and the like definitely helps this attitude.
But anyway, I’m glad that I’ve become accustomed to finding myself in different spaces. Of course, I still struggle when I don’t have anyone with me who I know I can rely on should I trap myself in my own shyness. But maybe someday, even being completely surrounded by strangers won’t bother me. I expect to grow a lot once I’m in Japan, just as I’ve grown a lot at Vassar. I’m such a different person than I was when I first got on campus, and overall, I’m very happy with the confident, strong, go-getting woman I’ve become and am still becoming. Everyday, I do my best to fight stereotypes and prove to the world that women are strong, independent, multifaceted human beings (you’d think I wouldn’t have to do this, but I do). I do my best to prove that men are the same way.
The thing is, I want to continuously raise the bar and break into male-dominated spaces (I’ve recently gotten into Warhammer 40k everything, and if you know of a more male-dominated hobby, let me know). That’s another reason why I’m happy at the growth I’ve experienced, but also know I still need improvement. If I want to lead the way for other women, I’ll need to be able to operate naturally in environments I’m not used to or weren’t made for me. I’m doing my best, but I’ve got some work to do.
This is a pretty knotted up post for Christmas day, not anything straight forward about being grateful, spending time with family, or even talking about my faith. But it’s what I’m feeling right now, after a day filled with all kinds of happy and sad emotions, so I’ll leave it be.
Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah. I hope everyone is warm and happy.